Wow, that’s a dull title. This segment needs a name that catches your attention like “Patrick Ripoll Fingers Your Daughter” or “Hellwolf: You Will Be Eaten Alive” or something. If you can think of a good name, please drop me a line because I can’t think of nothing. It’s not like I’m some kind of writer or something.

Well it’s January, or as I like to call it, “December’s Hangover”. It’s when the studios punish us for enjoying so many great movies at the end of last year by dumping all their crap at the beginning of this one. As a result January is a graveyard, all the corpses like the way I play my guitar, you gotta look cute if you wanna get far, January is like a graveyard. Hell, this weekend only has one major release. My advice is to do like the grizzly: gorge on as many great movies as you can before they leave theatres and hibernate until March.

In the meantime, Edward Burns!

One Missed Call
Starring Edward Burns and Shannyn Sossamon
Directed by Eric Valette
Trailer

The Premise: Several people begin to receive voicemails from their futureselves, detailing the when, where, and how of their own deaths.
The Lowdown: I dunno how much you know about Japanese filmmaker Takashi Miike, director of the original “One Missed Call”, but I’ll pretend you’ve never heard of him just to get everyone on the same page. Takashi Miike is batshit insane. He’s one of the most prolific, controversial, and unusual filmmakers working today. The guy has averaged about 4 films a year since 1996, many of which have stirred up controversey for their transgressive and bizarre violence, and, according to most interviews I have read of his, the guy doesn’t really understand what he does, he just does it. This is the guy who made a yakuza-gangster movie that ends with the crimeboss conjuring a fireball and destroying the Earth (DOA). He made a slow-burn domestic romantic drama that ends with some of the most brutal torture ever committed to film (Audition). Ichi the Killer’s title credits rise out of a puddle of cum. The dude has made some wacky shit. Whether or not he’s truly an outsider artist or he’s just putting people on, I can’t say, but the man has undeniably made many great, if unusual, films (Audition, Gozu, DOA: Birds, Ichi the Killer). But he’s also made a lot of crap. Sadly, One Missed Call goes in the latter category.

What does this mean about this remake? Not much, really. The original is standard J-horror fare, and there’s little about the remake to suggest it will be anything other than a standard remake. Edward Burns is about as average a leading man as you can get, and the only film I really remember Shannyn Sossamon from is Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (she’s the pink-haired girl who Robert Downey Jr. watches die). But I will say that, if there is a scene featuring that creature on the poster who has mouths for eyes, and he devours something through it’s eyemouths, I will love this movie forever. Until then, I’ll keep waiting for Hollywood to remake Visitor Q (I dare you to! I double dare you!)

Is it Worth Seeing?: I personally can’t stand J-horror, or Hollywood remakes of J-horror. But if that’s your bag, this is as good as any.

Also: Juno, Atonement and The Orphanage are all expanding their releases. So be on the lookout for those fine films. And if you haven’t already seen No Country For Old Men, godammit, do it!