In my first post I was quite gung ho about doing an article every Friday until I died. 2 weeks later I missed an article because I was working as key grip on a music video. I’d apologize, but I doubt anyone really cared. Like I said 2 weeks ago, January is a graveyard and did anyone really want to hear what I had to say about a fucking Veggie-Tales movie? I will say that I’ll eventually catch First Sunday on video, but that’s more for my love of Kat Williams (who IS a hysterical comedian who is smarter than most people give him credit for) than my love of Tyler Perry-esque chitlin’ plays.

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A quick word on the Golden Globes: No one gives a fuck about the Golden Globes.

And now, onto this Friday, or as Hollywood would like to call it, “The Official Start of the New Year”. We got the much-hyped about Blair-Witch meets Gamera “Cloverfield”, a new Woody Allen movie(!!!!), some generic looking romantic comedy featuring the star of the best romantic comedy of last year, a low-profile Diane Keaton/Queen Latifah caper, and a movie about a girl who’s vagina eats things AKA Patrick Ripoll’s favorite movie of all time, ever.

Let do this like nudists!

Cloverfield (Trailer)
Starring Mike Vogel, Jessica Lucas, and the fucking singer from Yellowcard
Directed by Matt Reeves

The Premise: Monster(s?) battling in New York City, as captured by a 20-something with a camcorder.

The Lowdown: Ever since the teaser trailer hit last summer the internet has gone crazy with speculation. Thanks to clever viral marketing by Mr. J.J. Abrhams, that buzz has nearly lasted all the way til now. Will the movie live up to the hype? It’s an intriquing premise that could be great or shit, but fortunately the early word coming in has been almost unanimously positive. Nothing earth shattering, but all involved seem to agree that at worst, it’s a very entertaining film.

Is It Worth Seeing?: For a brief (75 minutes!) good city-stomping time at the theatres, this is a safe bet.

27 Dresses (Trailer)
Starring Katherine Heigl, James Marsden, Judy Greer
Directed by Anne Fletcher

The Premise:  After being a Bridesmaid 20-something times (I forget the exact number) Katherine Heigl fights to win back the man she loves from her sister.

The Lowdown: Katherine Heigl may feel that Knocked Up was sexist, but if I were her, I’d be more concerned about not knocking the best film I’ll probably ever be in. Especially if she’s going to appear in middling garbage like this. Besides, what’s a more sexist trait of the romantic comedy than the persistant idea that there is no greater prize for a woman than to win a handsome and successful man to marry? And while I don’t believe that Knocked Up is sexist (then again, I’m one of the few people who really felt for Leslie Mann’s character and didn’t think she was a shrew bitch), Judd Apatow’s crew is certainly a boy’s club, so it’s not likely that Heigl will ever be in a movie as funny and heart-felt as Knocked Up again. On the plus side, at least she probably won’t ever have to have a sex scene with someone who looks like Rogen again. So maybe it’s not all bad for her.

Is It Worth Seeing?: Let’s not kid ourselves, there are those of you who have girlfriends, wives, or very clingy mothers who aren’t going to want to see a docu-drama about giant monsters decapitating Lady Liberty. So, for some of you out there, it’s not going to be a choice. You’re going to see this flick whether you want to or not. At least take comfort in the fact that the very lovely and funny Judy Greer has a supporting role, which should make it a bit less painful.

Mad Money (Trailer)
Starring Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, Katie Holmes, and Ted Danson
Directed by Callie Khouri

The Premise: Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah and Katie Holmes try to rob a bank but strike COMIC GOLD INSTEAD! GABBA GABBA HEY!

The Lowdown: Against my better judgment, I am damned proud of Diane Keaton. There was a point where she had the potential to be one of the all-time great comediennes, right up there with Lucile Balle and Gilda Radner. However, Love & Death (the most underrated comedy of all time) was a long long time ago and her career path didn’t quite go that way. But flash forward to now, and you see that she’s done alright for herself. Through some clever career moves, she’s established a niche for herself as “the hot funny old lady” that should keep her working until her teeth fall out. And while the films she’s in are far from great (though I do have a soft spot for The Family Stone), it’s not often an actress is able to stay relevant in Hollywood once menopause sets in. Hollywood is kind of cruel that way.

So good for you, Diane Keaton. Even though the movies you have been in have been shit (Because I Said So being a particularly big offender), you stay on top. Of course, being dumped in the middle of January against Katherine Heigl and giant monsters with little advertising support isn’t exactly “on top”, but at least you’re doing better than Mia Farrow! Congrats!

Is It Worth Seeing?: Listen, if the goddamned Coen Brothers already made this exact movie (Ladykillers, anyone?) and it wasn’t worth seeing then, there’s no fucking way the director of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood is going to be anything better than shit.

Cassandra’s Dream (Trailer)
Starring Collin Farrell, Ewan McGregor, Phil Davis, Tom Wilkinson
Directed by Woody Allen

The Premise: Ewan McGregor and Collin Farrell are in over their heads in debt, and get entangled in a dangerous and sinister series of events to clear it.

The Lowdown: Woody Allen is awesome. I need to make that clear as possible because it’s easy to forget how good he is. Match Point helped people remember that he can still turn out a killer movie, but it’s important to realise that Match Point was no fluke. Woody Allen is up there with Scorsese as one of America’s greatest living and working filmmakers, and the fact that every movie he releases isn’t an event (even the bad ones, like Anything Else or Hollywood Ending) is a real shame. His last film, Scoop, was a light comedy (reportedly) designed solely to show off the comedic acting chops of Scarlett Johanson, and while it was funny, it was a mere appetizer for Cassandra’s Dream, which is the kind of film Woody should be focusing on now. It’s being dumped at the beginning of the year because the Oscar race is already too crowded and this film doesn’t have the benefit of surprise that Match Point did, but Allen was never one to court awards anyway. So this isn’t going to be pushed and promoted as the important movie it is, but don’t be fooled, this is just as important to see as Atonement (and probably more so).

Is It Worth Seeing?: You bet your ass it is. It’s still in limited release, but look for it when it goes wider.

Teeth (Trailer)
Starring Jess Weixler, John Hensley, Josh Pais
Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein

The Premise: Jess Weixler’s vagina has teeth and is hungry. I’m not shitting you.

The Lowdown: Why is this not already an established genre? Why is there not a “vagina dentata” section at my local Best Buy? I don’t need to know any more about this movie to know it’s going down as one of the all time greatest movies since Nashville. This girl’s hairy scar has teeth! Her cootch! Teeth! Do I need to spell it out for you??

Ok, let me calm down a second. Suffice to say, this kind of premise alone sells me on a movie. Whether this film is a cheap tawdry monster movie, a romantic comedy, a documentary filmed in real-time, it doesn’t matter. The premise alone already has my ticket. But, as if you needed any more reason to see this film, it’s also supposed to be hilarious, terrifying, daring, and disgusting. Also, Jess Weixler’s performance evidentally sells the whole thing. So on top of a great premise worthy of early Cronenberg, it’s supposedly all pulled off well too.

Not that it should matter. Chick’s pussy is hungry, s’all I’m sayin’. If you aren’t the kind of person who gets excited about a movie like this, you aren’t the kind of person who gets to be my friend.

Is It Worth Seeing?: I don’t care how far away from you this film is playing, see this shit. There’s no bonding experience like going on a 5 hour road trip with your fam to see a movie bout a girl who’s snatch devours shit.

This week kicks off another exciting year in film, and I for one, can’t wait for what ‘08 has in store for us. Next week has Sylvester Stallone (or as I like to call him, ”the male Diane Keaton”) becoming Rambo again and kicking all sorts of ass. Then again, there’s also another shitty dance movie that defies all grammatical logic, “How She Move”. So maybe it won’t be such a great year after all. Who knows.